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Business Proposal For World’s Safest Airline

Although mostly an electrical engineer and physicist, I am also a pilot with commercial, multi-engine, and instrument ratings. Years ago, I was involved with an unfortunately unsuccessful attempt to start a new airline. It would have been very conventional, except that it would have primarily served the Atlantic City casino market using seaplanes from New York and Philadelphia. Even though that failed, I am always looking for new ways to make money, and anything involving aviation is of interest to me.

So, with that background, and the current brouhaha about naked body scanners and sexual assault at the hands of the TSA, I thought there had to be a better way. After all, Israel has the safest airline (currently) in the world, and they do not put their passengers through such demeaning abuse, and they don’t even have a fourth amendment that protects them from unreasonable search and seizure. But, they know the enemy, and they screen for the enemy, rather than producing security theater that does nothing  for security but everything to alienate paying passengers. So, what we need is a new airline that will be even safer than El Al. I suggest “Pigs Can Fly Airlines”.

With this airline, rather than being scanned by a naked body scanner by a lone pervert who works for the TSA, everyone will simply show up for check-in naked. Rather than having to be wanded or groped by some rubber-gloved TSA agent, each passenger will be greeted by one of our friendly dogs who will simply sniff you, just like any dog would. If you are really lucky, one of our friendly dogs may even give you a big, friendly, slurpy lick.

While waiting for your flight, you will be offered hordurves consisting of pigs in a blanket and we will even offer you one free alcoholic drink of your choice if you are over 21. Also, we are a dog-friendly work place, so the employees are allowed to bring their dogs to work as long as they have been shown to be friendly with both other dogs and people. After all, we don’t want any dog fights in the waiting lounge.

Once you are on the plane, you will be offered your choice of seating. Unlike most airlines that offer first class and coach, we offer a gay section and a straight section. We did this because some people might feel uncomfortable being nude around people with a different sexual persuasion. (You will be given a luxurious robe, that you can keep, as you enter the aircraft, in case you want to cuddle up and sleep in warmth.) While not mandatory, we find that many of the passengers enjoy being naked with strangers of similar sexual persuasion. At some point, we may even be able to expand this aspect of our business into some form of dating service, but that is too far in the future to talk about at the time.

You will also find our planes to be far more comfortable than most, since every seat will be luxuriously upholstered in the finest genuine pigskin.

During the flight, you will have your choice of playing with one of several therapy dogs that will be on each flight, or with several pot bellied pigs. The children really seem to enjoy the pigs. Also, unlike most flights that don’t even give you a bag of peanuts any more, we offer simple meals consisting of bacon lettuce and tomato sandwiches, along with one more free alcoholic drink if you want one. We also offer each passenger free in flight moves. We have an excellent selection consisting of Cecil B DeMill’s classic “The Crusades”, “Kingdom of Heaven”, Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ”, “Lionheart”, and “Brokeback Mountain”.

All we need is funding. I think this would be the safest airline in the world.

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